and knowing this was coming did not ease the pain.
I knew in my rational mind that the stages of grief were coming my way when my beloved Carol made her transition but I hadn’t a clue that the feelings and emotions were going to be so powerful and try to overpower my mind.
After all, I had read and studied Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ 5 Stages of Grief years ago and agreed that, Yup. This is how it happens. Little did I know how little I actually knew.
Although the stages are not always followed in order, usually the first stage is Denial. Knowing this helped me to begin to survive the loss of my Carol. Life is making no sense to me much of the time.
Now, a month later, I am still in a state of shock and am trying to just get through each day without becoming a blubbering idiot. Everything reminds me of events that occurred when we were together. And that makes me teary and bleary-eyed.
Denial is God’s way of giving me no more than I can handle. It is allowing me to slowly ease into accepting that it is what it is.
The next phase is Anger. My anger is at last beginning to ease. Because I feel it and do not deny it, I believe that it is slowly but surely melting away. After all, what good comes from being angry at a situation that just is? Absolutely none!
This anger is spread out over a wide swath of people, places, and things. Some doctors and nurses. Hospital. You get the picture. I never blamed God, though. For that, I am blessed and grateful.
Then, there is the feeling of Guilt. This is part of the anger phase. I was always the protector, the warrior. I protected my family and some friends and was and still am willing to do anything to accomplish this.
The guilt comes because, when Carol needed protection and help the most, I do not feel that I was able to provide it for her. And telling me that this will pass will only bring out the warrior in me, even though I know that this is true.
Next comes Bargaining. One thing that I did not do was make a bargain with God about this. No “Make her better and I will do x.” I discovered a long time ago when I was becoming sober that these kinds of “deals” never work. And I am probably lying to make the deal, anyway.
Not bargaining may be why the guilt has hit me so strongly. If bargaining is part of the process and I didn’t feel it, something had to take its place, huh?
Now comes Depression. Since I have moved through the first few phases, the finality of the situation slapped me upside the head, big time! I never knew that I could feel this blue. It seems like it is never-ending.
Having looked into these grief phases before, I realize the feelings of extreme loneliness, sadness, and even occasionally wondering if living is even worth going on alone. They will pass if I only accept them and do not fight them.
Finally comes Acceptance. Acceptance does not mean that I am or will ever be OK with what happened. What it does mean is that I accept the fact that Carol has left her human experience behind and has moved on into her eternal existence.
Now, this is something that I have learned through studying spirituality but now am learning how to actually deal with it. Because her passing has actually happened. I can Feel it.
It’s one thing to talk about a situation as “this is how it’ll be,” and quite another to actually live it in all of my affairs.
I have been blessed to have been somewhat prepared for this type of event by my Spiritual Advisor, Reverend Stephanie Sorensen. Carol received her spiritual guidance from Father Jay Gantz.
Both of these clerics are friends of ours and have smoothed the transition a lot. But, no amount of pre-knowledge eases the shock and awe of death until it actually happens.
The only thing left for me to do is to just continue living life as I know it is to be lived. That is a life of service for whoever I can. Carol was service personified.
She raised her three children without the help of their father after her first husband transitioned when the children were very young. She kept her children involved in whatever she was doing at the time while working herself.
Carol continued after we were married and we joined our families. This continued with her being very active with her grandchildren and greats. At least as active as she could be with the Covid pandemic shutdowns going on.
Now I have even more incentive and time to lead a life of service and will do my very best to accomplish just that!
Just thinking about how I can possibly expand my duties at the St. Andrews Soup Kitchen on Flint, MI’s East Side has gotten me excited. Lately, I was wondering if I could ever get excited again about anything.
I believe that this grief may be able to turn into victory. Victory for me to share with the homeless, and hopeless coming into the St. Andrews Soup Kitchen on Flint’s East Side. For all of this, I can only repeat the underlying theme of all of my articles — Thank you, God!
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