Many, if not most of the new people coming into the AA Program are sick, tired, angry, resentful, afraid, unbelieving in anything good, in debt, and violent, confused people. I feel a confession coming on!
Is that you? That was me when I went to my 1st AA meeting. I had no hope that anything was ever going to improve. I prided myself on not fearing anyone or anything. But, I would wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat and not even know what I was afraid of. I have a confession – I was terrified and didn’t even know it.
Needless to say, I didn’t have many if anyone too near.
OK, it’s confession time. I must confess that today, I am happy, Joyous, and free. In addition, I am too blessed to be stressed. I now have a life that money can’t buy. A rich man couldn’t afford it. And a thief couldn’t steal.
I can not tell anyone how to work their program. All that I can do is tell you how I work mine. Then it is up to you to take what you want from my story and leave the rest. Just like a cafeteria!
I am truly Happy, Joyous, and Free, and hope and pray that you all will also be, if you are not now, yet. I have not always been happy, joyous, OR free. When I was drinking and early into the program, I was a very large, very angry, very violent, well-armed, and trained being. I held no hope that things would ever be different because that was all that I knew at the time.
If I didn’t agree with you, my confession is that I answered it with anger. I didn’t trust you so I answered it with anger. I didn’t like you so I answered it with anger. I didn’t know if I agreed with you or not so I responded with anger. On and on and on, like in a squirrel cage.
I didn’t like me so I hated you. I hated you so I hurt you. I hurt you and felt guilty. I felt guilty and got remorse. I got remorse and continued drinking and hurt you again and on and on and on. This made me one who was afraid of what was going to happen next and saw no way out.
I didn’t know that it was being fed by my alcoholism. I didn’t know that I was an alcoholic until I came into AA and learned this. When I first came into the program it was for all the wrong reasons. Where I was introduced to the AA program, How it Works was read before almost every meeting. I quickly really heard the 2nd paragraph where it said “If you want what we have and are willing to go to any lengths to get it then COD.(come on down)”
I had heard about this being a spiritual program and, not being religious, was ready to listen to more. I saw what I wanted in your faces and actions at meetings and wanted it so bad I could taste it. I truly was willing to go to any lengths to get the peace and serenity that I saw in you folks.
I was advised to Fake it ‘till I made it so I acted “as if” and saw immediate relief, even if it was only fleeting at first. I kept on “faking it” and things just continued to get better. Soon, there was no faking. It seemed to be original to me.
I dug deep into Spirituality because my sponsors had told and showed me that the program’s base was Spirituality. I soon got a copy of the 24 Hour book. I got all of the information that I could find from the teachings of Emmet Fox, who I had been told had been the Spiritual Advisor for Bill W. and many of the earliest members of the program.
I read Fox’s Sermon on the Mount cover to cover quickly and often, initially because I had been told that it was used by many of the original members as the first Big Book. Guess What? I was losing my anger and frustration and actually working on being a better person to everyone. The rewards were almost immediate. I was becoming Happy, Joyous, and Free. I was staying Happy (happy because I was beginning to actually live a productive, helpful life), Joyous (joyous because I felt so good about myself and others), and Free (free from being under the influence of any mind-altering substances) as long as I worked my program.
The bottom line is, that when I work my program, I truly know Serenity. Without the program in my life, I was morally, spiritually, and physically bankrupt, Now I am a spiritually wealthy man. The beautiful thing is that you, no matter what your present circumstances, can be too! How? Work your program to the best of your ability. Just Do It and come back and tell me all about it! Thank you, God!
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