When I first came into this amazing Program of AA, I had zero hope and knew of no way out of my problems. Not only that, but I also did not even know what was wrong. I only knew that I didn’t like the me. I didn’t like what I had become and this led quickly to hating everyone else. When I hated someone, I hurt them. When I hurt them, I felt guilty, so I despised me for doing it. This meant that I had to hurt someone again to feel better. This led to guilt piling up on guilt. What does a practicing alcoholic do when faced with guilt? This one drank even more, leading me to being in the squirrel cage going round and round with no end in sight.
I would sit with my .357 in my mouth and didn’t even have what it took to pull the trigger. For this I felt guilty for having failed again. This led to even deeper remorse. At the meetings, I saw and heard people, some of whom I had known when they were drinking, romping and stomping, who were now happy, peaceful people who were no longer perceived as the enemy but now as pretty nice people. They told me in no uncertain terms to sit down, shut up, and listen for a change.
I would sit with my .357 in my mouth and didn’t even have what it took to pull the trigger. For this I felt guilty for having failed again. This led to even deeper remorse. At the meetings, I saw and heard people, some of whom I had known when they were drinking, romping and stomping, who were now happy, peaceful people who were no longer perceived as the enemy but now as pretty nice people. They told me in no uncertain terms to sit down, shut up, and listen for a change.
Coming into AA, I didn’t know that alcohol was my problem but very quickly discovered that, while not having a problem every time that I drank, when I did have a problem, drinking was involved I was either planning a drunk, getting drunk, or coming down from a high. I saw that, once I drank that first drink, I could no longer guarantee my actions.
I knew that my life was completely unmanageable. I didn’t have any religious background and my God was a punishing, judging God always pointing a finger at me. I was regularly being told by others “God is going to get you for that!” I soon saw the actions of the others in the Program and knew that there was Something helping them that I could not see. Whatever It was, It was working for them.
I wanted a way out of this craziness so I decided to try faking it, as had been suggested, using this Power and immediately began feeling and acting better. Because I was feeling better and, being an addict of course wanting much more, I said “Please help me” and, for once, did not put conditions on the request. It didn’t take long for me to start liking more of what I was doing and feeling guilty much less for my actions.
Since I was feeling much better about myself, I started to look at others with different eyes. Whereas before, I had been surrounded by a-holes, most of them now seemed to be pretty nice people. It soon dawned on me that they had not changed, I was changing. I soon came to deeply believe that I was getting these and many more good feelings and emotions because this unseen Power that I had met in Step 2 was ready, able, and willing to help me.
I finally surrendered to It. (Step 3) I had only to ask and I received! For this, I am truly grateful and thanked this Power. I started out by using the Group for my Higher Power and now choose to call It God. This God has given me only EVERYTHING that I have today, including my breathing in followed by out. For this I am totally grateful and thank Him each and every day for the blessings He has given me.
My family feared and hated me and today they love me and show it regularly. I now also have grandchildren and great grandchildren who also love me. Now, how do I ever repay this debt of my life? I try to give it away to anyone who wants it or asks for it. I firmly believe that Sobriety, like love, can not be retained without giving it away. My greatest wish is that you can have as much and even more as I and I am willing to do anything to help you get it. If I have it and you need it, take it.
This is a very simple program for very complicated folks. Just remember, if you want it – you got it! Just take it and I will help you to the best of my ability to take it and live it too. My repayment will be in seeing you take it and run with it into Happiness, Joy, and Freedom.
How are you feeling about what you’ve written so far in your Book of Life on Earth? Even though there are only a few pages, so far, are they filled with Happiness, Joy, and Freedom? If so, just repeat my daily prayer of “Thank you, God!” If not yet, just use the shortened version of the 3rd Step by saying merely “God, Help Me.” Then, get out of the way and let Him! This is what the AA saying “Let go, let God” means. Ask and step aside! Not always easy but couldn’t be simpler. God Bless you all!
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