When I first came into this amazing Program of AA, I had zero hope. Knew of no way out of my problems. Not only that, but I also did not even know what was wrong. I only knew that I didn’t like the me that I had become. This led quickly to hating everyone else. When I hated someone, I would repay them and hurt them. I hurt them. When I hurt them, I felt guilty. So I despised me for doing it. This meant that I had to hurt someone again to feel better. This, of course, led to guilt piling up on guilt.
What does a practicing alcoholic do when faced with guilt? This one drank even more. Leading me to be in the squirrel cage. Going round and round with no end in sight. I would sit with my .357 in my mouth. And didn’t even have what it took to pull the trigger. Guess what? I then felt guilty for having failed again. AA bailed me out of the dump that I had been in. How could I ever repay this kind act?
At the meetings, I saw and heard people romping and stomping. Some of whom I had known when they were drinking. They were now happy, peaceful people. No longer were they perceived as the enemy. Now they seemed like pretty nice people. They told me in no uncertain terms to sit down. Shut up. And listen for a change. For some reason, I sat down. Shut up. Listened. Then started to see that there may be a solution for me. I could live with it, too. I was told to fake it till I made it. So I started copying words and actions of the newfound friends. They seemed to be living a pretty good life. Even though I knew of their horrendous pasts.
Coming into AA, I didn’t really know that alcohol was my problem. But I very quickly discovered that I did not have a problem every time that I drank. But when I did have a problem, drinking was involved. Either planning a drunk. Getting drunk. Or coming down from a high. I saw that, once I drank that first drink, I could no longer guarantee my actions. Knew that my life was completely unmanageable. (Step 1) I didn’t have any religious background. My God was a punishing, judging God. He was always pointing a finger at me. I was being told by others “God is going to get you for that!” a lot. I soon saw the new actions of the others in the Program. So I knew that there was Something helping them that I could not see. Whatever it was, it was working for them. (Step 2)
I was advised to “Fake it till you make it.” I wanted a way out of this craziness. So I decided to try faking using this Power. I immediately began feeling and acting better. Because I was feeling better I wanted more. Much more. So, I said “Please help me.” And, for once, I did not put conditions on the request. (Step 3) And I wanted to repay these original sponsors for helping me to turn my life around.
It didn’t take long for me to start liking more of what I was doing. And feeling guilty much less for my actions. I was feeling much better about myself. I started to look at others with different eyes. Before I had thought that I was surrounded by jerks. Now, most of them seemed to be pretty nice people.
It soon dawned on me that they had not changed. I was changing. I soon came to deeply know that I was getting these and many more good feelings and emotions. This was because this unseen Power that I had met in Step 2 was ready, able, and willing to help me. So I finally surrendered to It. (Step 3) Then I had only to humbly ask and I received! For this, I am truly grateful! So, I began to repay by thanking this Power. I started out by using the Group for my Higher Power and now choosing to call It God.
This God has given me only EVERYTHING that I have today. This includes my breathing in followed by out. For this I am totally grateful. I thank him each and every day for the blessings he has given me. My family feared and hated me. Today they love me and show it regularly. I now have grandchildren and great grandchildren who also love me. I now look for ways to repay those that have returned some of my sanity.
Now, how do I ever repay this debt of my life? I give it away to anyone who wants it or asks for it. My greatest wish is that you have as good as I. This makes me willing to do anything to help you get it too. Not only as much as I have, but much, much more. If I have it and you want it, take it.
This is a very simple program for very complicated folks. Just remember, if you want it – YOU GOT IT. Just take it and I will help you to the best of my ability to take it and live it too. My repayment will be in seeing you take it and run with it into Happiness, Joy, and Freedom. How are you feeling about what you’ve written so far in your Book of Life on Earth for this new way of life? Even though there are only a few pages, so far, are they filled with Happiness, Joy, and Freedom? Just say the shortened version of the 3rd Step, “God help me” and get out of His way and let Him. God bless you!
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