“Resentment is the “number one’’ offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically.” (p.64, of The Big Book)
So, what do I do about it? The program has never led us astray. It says that we must forgive the other person in order to feel better ourselves. “Many of us exclaimed, “What an order! I can’t go through with it.’’ (P.60 Big Book.) But this, like the other Steps that seemed beyond anything that we could do, releases the bondage that the resentments have over us. And it is one that must truly be taken and worked.
How many prisoners do you know of that are voluntary prisoners? They ALL must have a jailer and a jailee. Think about it. You will realize that, while they may not have a clue that you are fuming with a resentment. That you are stewing in your own juices. To forgive is for your benefit. Nowhere does it say that you must do this face to face. Or that they even know you have done it. It is just like the amends steps. You are cleaning off your side of the street, not someone else’s. As the Hazleton Organization says “As people recovering from addiction often discover, genuine forgiveness is an internal process that can occur with or without anyone else’s knowledge or participation.”
When you practice the art of forgiveness, you may reconnect with another person or community. Or you may reconnect with parts of yourself that get shoved aside when bitterness takes over. It all comes down to the basic question. What do you want? Do you want to continue feeling these resentments including angers, frustrations, and other words that are substituted for resentments to ease the guilt? Or do you really desire to be Happy, Joyous, and FREE?
Simply (I did not say easily, I said Simply) forgive the other person. Then walk out of the jail in your own mind. I went through all of the above and more myself when new into the program. It even took me over forty years in AA to totally forgive my first wife. She was continually trying to make my life miserable, Sometimes succeeding. She did this right up until she died from the extremely painful cirrhosis It wasn’t easy when she would go into the only bar in the area that I was working at that time and ask regularly “Ok, who wants to f- the police chief’s wife?” among other cute retorts. I just finally decided that I had had enough. I was now more than willing to go to any lengths to get what you folks were offering.
Did I forgive her personally, face to face? No, I had gone through the apologizing, I’m sorrys, etc for too long. Just trying to shut her up. It did not help. In fact it actually increased the bitterness from her and the resentments, anger, and frustration from me.
This is probably when I finally really dove head first into the shortened version of the 3rd Step. Simply saying “God Help Me.” This time, He did and life has only gotten better on a regular basis. Remember, we are not the only ones who may be sick in our relationships. The other may be also. I did not get angry, resentful, frustrated with my children when they were sick. Why should I be so with my ex when she was just acting out her own illness of alcoholism. It took me almost 40 years to completely do so with her. But the reward was and still is great!
Today, I am truly, deeply Happy, Joyous, and Free. I believe that you can be too! Simply forgive as you wish others to forgive you. Sound familiar? Hazelton also states “Most alcoholics know guilt, shame, remorse, and self-loathing intimately. To rid themselves of those feelings, they come to accept that they are imperfect beings worthy of forgiveness. Understanding that we are more than our transgressions helps us see beyond the transgressions of others.” Bless you all!
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