When I was in the madness, I don’t believe that this was one of my questions. Why, you may wonder? Because any time that I had time off, or on for that matter, I drank and let the chips fall wherever they may. My plans were very short lived and rarely accomplished because they always fell short of the planned outcome, This was because I was a blackout drinker from jump street and digressed right from that beginning. Fear was a way of life for me because, as the Big Book says, fear is the root of all character defects.
Most of the time, I did not remember what I had done or who I had even been with. I would hear horrible stories of what I had done and not been able to refute any of it. I just didn’t know.
What a relief it is now to be able to answer you if you ask what I will do this weekend. If it is a weekend I will be assisting in the food kitchen, come rain or shine. I will be attending two spiritual services, one Spiritual for me and one Religious/Spiritual with my wife. No ifs, ands, or buts. I will remember everything that I do and just who I did it with. Fear is finally a thing of the past.
Only those who lost this ability to remember anything that we did by blacking out will truly understand this. Before, we talked about Gratitude. Being able to remember what I have done and who I have done it with is such a blessing because it fills me with gratitude. Because I have an addictive persona, I want more of it, much more.
If I wake up at night, it is because I have to use the bathroom, not because of a worry or fear. If I see someone for the first time in a while, I have no fears about what I may have said or done the last time. If I face a crossroads, no matter what it is, instead of plotting and planning what I either will do or will duck out on, I simply use the shortened version of the 3rd Step by saying “God Help Me,” and know that He will and does.
The ONLY reason that I would have not to ask for God’s help would be that I am an alcoholic and there is nothing more natural for a practicing alcoholic to do but drink. This is just as natural as a fish swimming when in water, a deer running when startled, or a bird flying.
That is why I still attend AA meetings and associate mostly with others that work the same type of program that I do. The same type, either in AA or my Spiritual life, and preferably both. See, this is a very simple program for very complicated folks. There is not a thing complicated about saying “God Help Me” and then stepping back and letting Him when faced with a decision or complexity. I JUST DO IT!!! The wonderful thing is that you can choose to do the same thing today. But only if you choose to. I am truly Happy, Joyous, and Free and only hope and pray that all could be, not only as much as I, but also even more so. If you become more so, that gives me something to work on and strive for.
The answer to the topic is just to work you Program 24/7/365 and, you won’t fear the upcoming weekend. You won’t fear ANYTHING. Respect will be there for danger but fear will be a thing of your past. Don’t be afraid of living. Be happy with the fact that you can now truly live and enjoy life without the burden of an unidentifiable, haunting fear. If you didn’t drink or drug today, you now have choices, maybe for the first time in your remembered lifetime. Now, if you work your Program 24/7/365, these choices seem to multiply. Do you choose to be miserable or do you choose to be Happy, Joyous, and Free? The choice is yours and nobody else’s. Choose wisely!