Step 9 says “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” “OK, so this is the step where I tell everyone how sorry I am.” NOT!!! Nowhere in this step does it say we say “I’m sorry.” We have worn that one out when we were drinking and playing the fool. How many times did I say “I’m sorry and I will never do that again?” It was usually followed by hysterics and pleading and finally deep remorse and depression. This led to a myriad of other responses when the person being asked to forgive me blew it off or went into deep depression themselves because they knew that what was coming out of my mouth was untrue as ever.
Google says amends are defined as “compensate or make up for a wrongdoing.” Repeating a lie such as “I’m sorry and I will never do it again” is neither compensation or making up for anything. It is appeasement, and mostly to myself at that.
So, how do we properly work this step? I would heartily suggest that we start out with the shortened version of the 3rd Step. Simply say “God Help Me,” and look over our list. Who is closest to me or in some cases still around me? Let’s start here.
I approached these people one at a time and advised them that I have hurt them badly in the past and am now working on doing the best that I can to make it all up to them. I asked what they suggested that I could do to carry this out. I would advise them that I am trying hard not to be that person anymore. I would show them that I am trying to change my life. If I owed them money, I paid it off or at least some of it and worked out a payment schedule for the rest.
Above all, don’t expect all to fall over gushing plaudits to you for your recent change. Remember how many times you lied and or hurt them in so many other ways. If they don’t accept your amends after doing this, it is no longer your problem. All you can do is the next right thing and the next right thing may be to separate yourself from them. You will have cleaned up your side of the street, which is all that you can do.
Remember the Serenity Prayer and ask for the wisdom to know the difference about what can and cannot be done. The ONLY thing that one can change is him/herself. Congratulations! Upon completing this step, you will be well on your way to Happiness, Joy, and Freedom. If you didn’t drink or drug today, you are able to start working your program now, If you are convinced that you have worked the first 8 steps to the best of your ability, you are now able to rightfully and truthfully work your 9th Step. If you have met the above conditions, you are READY for this step now. Don’t think your way out of it making amends- JUST DO IT!!!
You now have choices. Do you choose to be miserable or do you choose to be Happy, Joyous, and Free? The choice is yours and nobody else’s. Choose wisely!