Step 1 states “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.” When I came into AA, I did not know that I was an alcoholic but I did know for certain that something was wrong, very wrong. I was scared because I didn’t know just what it was. I would wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat not knowing why I was even afraid. I could be surrounded by family and people who I thought were friends and feel so terribly alone.
I remember a 4th of July when living in Detroit. Everyone in the neighborhood was in their swimming pools shucking and jiving and BBQing and laughing loudly. I started the BBQ for the family and some neighbors and then this overwhelming sadness came over me so I took a walk around the block. I saw and heard the celebrating and partying and started to cry to myself. I felt so totally alone. “Nobody knows what I am going through.” “If you felt like I do, you would drink too!” So, I then went home and drank myself into oblivion (again!).
I would be driving home from work and call home to say that I was stopping for “a drink” or “just a couple.” It was the truth as I knew it at the time. I may have a drink and go home. I may follow it with another and go home. More often than not, I would close the bar and go home or go to a blind pig and break out in spots. Spots like Cleveland, Toledo, Windsor. You get the picture. After taking that first drink, all bets were off the table. I could not guarantee my actions any more. All after knowing that I was only going to have “just one or two.”
I was a blackout drinker from the very beginning so therefore I did not even know how I got home the night before. I would look outside to see if my car was parked there. When I went out, I would walk around it to see if there was any damage. If it wasn’t there, I had to make calls to find out where it might have been. I did not have a problem every time that I drank but, every time that I had a problem, drinking had been involved.
I was to the point where I didn’t like me. If I didn’t like me, I hated you. If I hated you I hurt you. If I hurt you, I felt guilt and remorse. What does an alcoholic do when feeling guilty and/or remorseful? I drank and did it all over again. I was on a constant evil merry-go-round and didn’t know how to get off, so I continued to drink. I was physically, morally, and spiritually bankrupt.
My Higher Power nudged me into AA and saved my life, literally. I was so bankrupt that I was planning my suicide. “How do I do this so that my family does not get cut off from receiving any benefits?” I had to make it look like it was not a suicide. I eyed concrete abutments and large trees alongside the roads as something that I could drive into. Being an inner city cop in Detroit, I had many opportunities to “lead the charge” by being the 1st through the door on Gun runs and drug raids. This led me to planning how my funeral would be carried out. What stopped this thinking was that I was given citations for doing these acts instead of actually dying.
I heard the 2nd paragraph of How it Works as it was read before every meeting. It said “If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it — then COD (Come On Down)” I decided that I was ready and willing to do ANYTHING to get what you people had.
I then began working the program as explained in the Big Book and by my sponsors to the best of my ability and life started getting better almost immediately. I am now willing to go to any lengths to keep it so I continue working my program to the best of my ability in ALL of my affairs, not just at meetings. Whenever I face a decision on ANYTHING, I say simply “God help me” and just do what feels right at the time.
I learned that it is not how much I drink that determines that I am an alcoholic or not. It is when I can not guarantee my actions after taking the first drink that I know that I am an alcoholic. This is a very simple program for very complicated folks.
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