I had heard about the stages of grief after suffering significant loss. Kubler-Ross had studied and written about this. I had only thought about it the same way as I had thought of other topics that I had studied in school. That way was usually superficial. It was only “crammed” into my skull in order to take an examination. And then not thought about it again. My father transitioned when I was 25 and still in the madness. Sure, I missed him. But did not actually mourn until much later. In fact, another 11 years until I was introduced to AA and Spirituality.
Kubler-Ross explained that there are 5 stages of grief. They are Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. I don’t remember going through any of these with the loss of my dad. Other than probably denial. Soon after beginning to work my Program to the best of my ability, I began having real feelings. It seemed like the losses were much bigger then. But also the “wins” were much more beautiful. It seemed to me like the loss of alcohol was the most traumatic event that had ever happened to me. This thought haunted me until I discovered what was always there.
The loss of ANYTHING, as well as anyone that was close, was a significant loss to me. This now included the loss of alcohol. Alcohol had been such a large part of my life. It started when I took my first drink while in my teens. Maybe even the largest part of my life! My craving for it overshadowed EVERYTHING else, including people. These thoughts returned recently when I heard of the transition of a former fellow worker.
I’ve got to step back a few to describe what fellow workers meant to me. They still do. I have been in a position of “authority” since 1972. That was when I was promoted to the rank of Sergeant with the Detroit Police Department. The Units that I worked in during this time were all “street units,” meaning we were not bound to an office or building and were out in the streets of what, at that time, was called “The Murder Capitol of the US.” Whether working in a Precinct or a Bureau, we were always street oriented. I was a “Patrol Supervisor” and sometimes “Crew Chief.” From a 35-50 person shift to a narcotic team to a 4 man “Cruiser.”
I went to Supervisory School before my promotion. There, I vowed to myself to try to NEVER be one of the pricks that I had worked for in the past. We were able to form trusts. I always thought of them as brothers. It took a while but bonds were formed.
In 1978, I became the Police Chief of Green Oak Township, an outer suburb of I went to Supervisory School before my promotion. There, I vowed to myself to try to NEVER be one of the pricks that I had worked for in the past. We were able to form trusts. I always thought of them as brothers. It took a while but bonds were formed. Detroit. This was a small, vastly underfunded department. It was composed of officers who, in addition to the usual family trouble, larcenies, bar fights, traffic enforcement, and other activities that would arise, included being dispatched to events like “There’s a buffalo in the yard”
I was the “new kid on the block” when I arrived into this completely new, to me, environment. I had the same feelings for these young officers that I had for my comrades in Detroit. We had our differences and back and forths but grew to really appreciate each other. These young coppers soon became like my own children, to me. As the years passed, these officers had children of their own. I felt like they were my “Grands.”
A large thing to me was that I was able to choose who to hire and not hire. The department was slowly growing. If someone was hired, it was because I wanted them to work with me. Because of the lack of real funding, the salaries were not very good. Green Oak PD was at or near the top of the busiest departments in the county. Some would get their training at Green Oak and then move on to a better paying department. One of those who did was Scott MacGonigal. He may have been my first hire. Soon after leaving Green Oak, Scott made his transition. This was a big loss to me and all who knew him. I did go through all the steps of grief.
Last night, I heard about the transition of one who may have been my last hire at Green Oak, Jeff Phillips. Jeff was one of the kindest men that I had ever met. Many who read this probably have a problem thinking that a cop could be kind. They never met Jeff. He was at his best around youngsters. I had always thought that no one should ever have to lose one of their children, no one! Jeff was my second from Green Oak. I am going through my grief stages now. I will do it successfully! How do I know this?
Because I have learned in AA and through the study of spirituality that I will. How? I don’t care how! I just know that it will happen. Because I work my program 24/7/365. That’s all that I know now. All that I really need to know. I utilize and don’t even try to waste my time by trying to analyze things like this.
Thank you for listening or reading this. I am now working my way through my own grief by relating this. Have been working my program for 45+ years now and was NEVER told that it would be easy. I WAS assured, though, that it would be simple. AND IT IS!
So, to answer the matter posed in the topic, How To Deal With Losing Something or Someone That Was Close. I work my program 24/7/365 and just do the next right thing, whatever it is. How do I know if something is right or wrong? Little hint! If you are working your program 24/7/365 and it feels right, it IS right! If you get a little apprehensive, take a step back and reconsider. It may be wrong for you. God talks to us, not using language and words but by feelings, emotions, and intuition. If you feel not sure “in your gut,” this very well may be one of those times. So, work the program 24/7/365 and say the short version of the 3rd Step, “God help me!” Then the next right thing will appear and you will KNOW that it is right. So just DO it! Bless you all!
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