What was, and upon occasion still is, my first response to being startled or surprised? Or in any way taken out of my immediate comfort zone? Anger! Sometimes, it may just be the simple act of being asked something and not immediately be able to have the answer. In any list that AA puts forth as Character Defects, anger is right there, big, bad, and bold.
Digging deeper into it, the Big Book puts Fear in parentheses. Immediately following the individual character defects. Especially when discussing making an inventory.
When new into the AA program, I was introduced to the Spiritual Way of Life. I was told right away and repeatedly that I was to get rid of any thought of my Higher Power as a judgmental power. Or one with human tendencies sitting “on high” telling me that I was going to Hell. I could call this Higher Power anything that I wished. Just call on It frequently. This Higher Power was inside my heart. It was not up in the sky somewhere “In heaven.” Since I was so low when I entered, the only way to go was out or up. Since I had failed in several suicide attempts, out was not an option any more. This only added to my anger and frustration.
How do I go up? Fake it till I make it. Then Let Go and Let God. Then get out of His way and let Him. It worked! The rage began to melt away. Not always easily but always simple. How do I do this? Read, study, ask others who have been there. Finally, really understand the 3rd step. In this step, we turn our wills and lives over to the care of God, as we understand Him. Then comes the hard part. DON’T TAKE ANY PART OF IT BACK!
If you are apprehensive about it, Fake it ’til you make it. Pretty soon, understanding and then relief came rushing in, big and beautiful. And, only if I were working on really doing this in all my affairs. The irritation was waning. Only then could I truly turn my will and my life over to my Higher Power. When I did, I began to live a life that is Happy, Joyous, and Free! Whenever I am feeling out of sorts today, a renewal of the 3rd step gives the anger a poof pill. God bless you all!
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