What was, and upon occasion still is, my first response to being startled, surprised, or in any way taken out of my immediate comfort zone? Anger! Sometimes, it may be just the simple act of being asked something and not immediately able to have the answer. It has been said that we are not responsible for our first thought. But we are responsible for our reaction to it. In any list that AA puts forth as Character Defects, anger is right there, big, bad, and bold. My problem was how to deal with this emotion.
Digging deeper into it, the Big Book puts Fear in parentheses immediately after the individual character defects when discussing making an inventory. When new into the AA program, I was introduced to the Spiritual Way of Life. I was told right away and repeatedly that I was to get rid of any thought of my Higher Power as a judgmental power with human traits, characteristics, and tendencies sitting “on high” telling me that I was going to Hell. I was to call this Higher Power anything that I wished. “Just call on it frequently,” others would say. This Higher Power was inside my heart, not up in the sky somewhere. So, how to deal with this anger was my problem.
Being so low when I entered the program, the only way to go was out or up. Since I had failed in several suicide attempts, out was not an option any more. How to go up became the next hurdle. Fake it till I make it and Let Go and Let God. It worked! Not always easily but always simply. How do I do this? Read, study and finally understand the 3rd step. I had some brilliant sponsors in my first home group in Brightmoor, NW Detroit. They told me that they worked a shortened version of the 3rd Step by merely saying “God, Help me.” So, I did and He did! Amazing!
If apprehensive about how to deal with it, Fake it until you make it. This is another way of saying “Act as if.” Pretty soon, if I was working on really doing this in all my affairs, understanding and then relief come to me bad and bold. Only then could I truly turn my will and my life over to my Higher Power and live a life that is Happy, Joyous, and Free! Whenever I am feeling out of sorts, a renewal of the 3rd step gives the bad feeling a poof pill. Now, 45 years later, I still use this shortened version of the 3rd Step. The only difference is that now there are many more “Thank you God’s” than before and for this I am so blessed.