I began my journey into sobriety by using the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous. At that time, Father Ralph Pfau, aka Father John Doe, had written a series of recovery books called The Golden Books. They were very popular in my earlier meetings all over the City of Detroit. They all were very informational. Were easy to read. And directly to the point of recovery. One stood out to me then. It still does to this day. It is The Myth of Perfection.
I had been afraid to start new ventures. I thought that I had to do everything perfectly or not at all. Of course, I failed doing anything perfectly. But that never stopped me in my quest to not try doing anything in public without practicing it first. Perfection was what I believed that the rest of the world wanted or demanded from me. After all, I was raised with the big “but.” “Jim, you are a good boy but.” “Jim, you are a smart boy but.” And “Jim, that is a good idea but.” I believed that nothing was ever enough. “Everyone expects so much from me BUT I just can’t seem to deliver it all. Oh, I tried! “But,” never thought that whatever was attempted was good enough.
Guess where this led. Right! This led to messing up with things that I really was good at. This, of course, led to feeling depressed and trying to cover it all up by laughing and joking about inadequacies. Then I discovered alcohol. When I drank, I no longer felt inadequate. I no longer felt that I had to be perfect. When I was drinking, I surrounded myself with the same type of person that I was. This meant that I was no longer out of things. Why? Because they made mistakes too and continued on. This is why I drank. I didn’t drink to be sociable. Didn’t drink because I liked the taste! I drank for the effect! When drinking, I didn’t have to be perfect. I just had to try! This was a new concept for me.
I was always tall and wanted very much to be a good athlete. Because of the “buts” in my background, I felt awkward on the practice and playing fields and tracks. If I dropped a pass, I let it bother me into the next plays and so would maybe drop them too. I was far from perfect. But, I kept on trying. I grew up with some tremendous people. A future All American. A future Harlem Globetrotter. Future starters for major college basketball and football teams. Also future tremendous coaches. Great teachers. Marvelous leaders. I was amazed and blessed because they called me friend and I still felt shortchanged. I would have made that block or tackle “But.”
Alcoholics Anonymous teaches us that “We strive for progress not perfection.” This concept has worked wonders for millions of men and women worldwide. So I listened and heeded the advice. IT WORKS IF I WORK IT!
What a genuine relief it was to learn that I could make mistakes and that did not make me bad or evil. These mistakes could be huge and maybe someone else gets hurt. It is not good that someone else may have been hurt, but it happened and now how can we help repair it? The inventory, both 4th and 10th Steps, tell us that something was amiss. The amends Steps tell us what to DO. NOT just to say “I’m sorry.” How many times had we said this before? No, we discover what we can do to make a wrong right. How? The number one way is to ask the offended party what could we do to make it right.
No simple “I’m sorry” and forgetting it. Right the wrong and MOVE ON WITH LIFE. This is the spiritual approach to living a life that money can not buy. I am sure that, if one were religiously educated, it would be discovered that there is also a religious explanation that would mirror this approach. Didn’t St. Augustine say “Let us admit our imperfections so we can then begin to work toward perfection.” He did not say become perfect, only to work toward perfection.
This is a very simple program for very complicated folks. Most people are competitive, to a degree. If they come in 2nd, it is not the end of the world for them. Just something that may need to have attention paid to. When I learned that I did not have to be perfect in anything, I became much better in everything. Thank you AA for the introduction to returning sanity. For the introduction to my true Higher Power who I now choose to call God. Thank you for letting me know that I AM perfect, just the way that I am. All that I have to do is use the shortened version of the 3rd Step and say “God, help me.” Then get out of the way and let Him. God bless you!
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