and I wanted to gain so much!
It took me a long time to realize that what I had to give up was really not worth keeping. In fact, what I had to give up was actually acting as a large anchor around my neck.
“Ya, but, if I get rid of X, I won’t be me anymore!” Then I also realized that the me that I had been was the same as what I was running away from for so long.
How long did I want to keep my anger, violence, distrust, and fears of what I had become? I mean really! Was the me that I had become really so appealing? Was the love that I thought that I felt really lust or control?
Enter from stage left, sobriety. Not just stopping drinking, but real, heartwarming sobriety! When I began my path toward real sobriety, I was mentally, morally, and spiritually bankrupt.
My family feared me. I had no friends. At work, I was transferred all around the City of Detroit. I thought that it was because everyone wanted to work with me because I was a great guy!
I failed to see that these were disciplinary transfers. I was like the skunk in the crowd. Everyone wanted to get as far away from me as they could.
I saw the happy faces and heard the easy talk of formerly lost souls such as me at the AA meetings. I wanted what they had. I finally told them that I would do anything to be able to feel the same way.
Then, I asked them what I had to do to feel better. They told me that I should make some major changes. When asked what these changes would be, they said “Everything!”
Changing everything was not something that I wanted to hear but, at this point, I knew that I had to do something drastic. Why? Because everything that I had tried up to this point had failed. Failed miserably!
This is when I was introduced to the roots of the AA program of recovery. These people who became my sponsors in the program then introduced me to spirituality. They said that it was the foundation of the AA program.
I told them that I was not religious and was told that this is not a religious program but spiritual. Not knowing that there was a difference, they explained that religion was man-made and spirituality was divinely inspired and personal.
That our Higher Power was not “up there in Heaven somewhere in the sky” but was personal and in our hearts. This Power could be called anything that we chose. God, Allah, Buddha, Satan, or just It!
From this beginning in spirituality, I have become totally happy, joyous, and free 24/7/365. Does this mean that I am happy about something bad happening to me or someone else? Not in any way!
This does mean that I am happy that I can make decisions today that used to baffle me. More often the proper decision. And, when the decision may not be proper, this doesn’t make me bad. Just someone who will do something different next time.
And what have I gained from all of this? A life that money can’t buy and a thief can’t steal. Peace and serenity. All things that I don’t recall ever really had before. Thank you, God!
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