but is every bit as powerful
Today’s topic, denial, woke me up at 4:30 AM yesterday. No, really. I have been working my way through dealing with a significant loss for over 6 months, now. My wife’s passing rocked me to the core!
I believed that I was finally through the process but had a lingering feeling that something was still wrong with my thinking. The 5 stages of loss are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
In my head, I had. But, this brings back what I already knew. Head learning pales in comparison to heart or gut learning.
I still had lingering guilt which was born when I first denied that Carol was in the process of preparing to leave her earthly experience in the months, weeks, and days leading up to her transition.
Even as she returned to her eternal life, I became quite numb to everything outside of myself. I suppose that I talked and acted ok, but things seemed to be quite mechanical. I did not feel much of anything inside me.
This led me to try to intellectualize feelings of denial, anger, and guilt that still were remaining. As I tried to accept what I was thinking, I can’t say that I forgot, but I must have just pushed some feelings deeper inside.
In my uglier past, I pushed these feelings onto others, especially those that I love the most. Well, here it popped up again, big, bold, and ugly. To some, I became a whiner, to others I had more of an “I’m over it” facade.
Neither is me. I’ve hurt some with this attitude and, when trying to rectify the situation, only talked my way deeper into it, making things even worse.
I was surrounded by love and, instead of embracing it, I seemed to be pushing it away.
I’m sorry doesn’t cut it anymore. But I now FEEL that I am over the hump and back into a space where I belong. I am blessed to have such loving examples so near and dear.
God didn’t leave me. My spiritual advisor didn’t leave me. My children didn’t leave me. My dog didn’t leave me. My sister didn’t leave me. My friends didn’t leave me.
For this, I am too blessed to be stressed. As soon as I finally realized this, I returned to my “happy spot” realizing just how blessed I really am. Thank you, God!
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