The religion that I grew up with seemed to be centered around a judgmental, finger-pointing, punishing God that was seemingly sentencing me to a life of continued Hell. And maybe even an afterlife of the same. “Jim, God’s going to get you for that;” ” Jim, you are a good boy but…;” ” Jim, you’re going to go to Hell for that;” etc. I would see people seemingly acting pious on Sunday morning and then getting drunk and beating or cursing someone in the afternoon. I would see a pretty girl and maybe think some thoughts that were not considered correct and immediately wonder if maybe these others weren’t right. I must be destined to Hell. I had no concept about what being spiritual even was.
So, when I was brand new to the Program, I really was conflicted when I saw that the meetings opened with The Serenity Prayer, closed with The Lord’s Prayer and I saw the term God used in the steps and heard this a lot in the conversations. I told some grizzly characters, who I had known and done battle with when they were in the madness, that this was not for me because it seemed so religious and I was not happy with religion. They actually laughed and said that this is not a religious program but is a deeply spiritual program. I argued that they were just playing with semantics because I saw no difference.
They asked me how much control I had over a sunrise, a river’s current, my heartbeat, the weather and seasons, and several others. When I admitted that I had none, they asked if I was able to realize that there was a power “out there somewhere” that was maybe running these systems and I slowly admitted that there must be. Then said “Fine, now just look at it as the power of electricity or heat – powers that we can not see but do feel and know exists – and know that you can even call this Power anything that you wish. Finally they suggested that I might even think of the AA Group as my Power since it has worked so well for them. So I did.
I was told by these people that my Higher Power was not “out there somewhere” pointing fingers and judging but was right in my own heart. I wanted what they had so much that I was willing to go to any lengths to get it too. “Fake it ‘till you make it,” they said and I jumped at that. If they said something, I would say it whether or not I knew it to be real or not. If they did something, I would do it too because, if it worked for them it may just work for me too. Looking back with 20/20 hindsight, it started working for me almost immediately.
I completely immersed myself into this very simple but not always easy program. It was working so well that, being the addictive person that I am, I wanted more – much more. I would notice that I had gone for longer and longer periods of time without thinking of drinking. I would notice that, when someone got into my face, I was not so quick to react in an angry, violent manner. As I noticed this and other differences, I also noticed that I did not even miss the “old me” that much, if at all.
When I came into the program, I probably had no real friends, just lots of acquaintances. I was starting to have people around me that were becoming real friends. They were choosing to be around me and I chose to be around them. WOW! WHAT A DIFFERENCE!!! This was just like sports or learning a new language or anything new, the more that I practiced it the better I got and so the better I felt about myself.
Before, I didn’t like me so I hated you. If I hated you, I hurt you. If I hurt you, I felt guilty. If I felt guilty, I got remorse. What does an alcoholic do when these feelings appear? What does a deer do when startled? It flees. What does a fish do when put into water? It swims? What does a bird do? It flies. What does an alcoholic do? Drinks!!! When I started feeling better about myself, it seemed like all others suddenly became nicer, better persons. Now, by this time in my life, I possessed a BS from The Streets University long before graduating from college so I was not the most ignorant person around and so I was able to finally figure out that this Program was working just fine for me, even if I did not know why. I also discovered that I did not have to know why because the answer to why was ‘cause, just ‘cause.
This was my introduction to a Higher Power working in my life and has led to my studying Spirituality and learning that it is just another way of looking at the whole Higher Power aspect of living. I now do not rail at the thought of Religion anymore because my Higher Power, who I now choose to call God, is EVERYWHERE AND EVERYTHING. I have discovered that I am not “all Spiritual and pious” and am just trying to do the next right thing. So, the answer to the original question of who will want to be around me is everyone that I care about. Simple but not always easy.