“Resentment is the “number one’’ offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically.” (p.64, of The Big Book)
So, what do I do about it? The program that has never led us astray says that we must forgive the other person in order to feel better ourselves. “Many of us exclaimed, “What an order! I can’t go through with it.’’ P.60 Big Book. But this, like the other Steps that seemed beyond anything that we could do, is one that, if truly taken and worked, releases the bondage that the resentments have over us. How many prisoners do you know of in jails or prisons that are voluntary prisoners? They ALL must have a jailer and a jailee. Think about it and you will realize that, while they may not have a clue that you are fuming, you are stewing in your own juices.
To forgive is for your benefit, and does not order that you do this face to face or that they even know you have done it. It is just like the amends steps – you are cleaning off your side of the street, not someone else’s. As the Hazleden Betty Ford Organization says “As people recovering from addiction often discover, genuine forgiveness is an internal process that can occur with or without anyone else’s knowledge or participation. When you practice the art of forgiveness, you may reconnect with another person or community, or you may reconnect with parts of yourself that get shoved aside when bitterness takes over.”
It all comes down to the basics – what do you want? Do you want to continue feeling these resentments including angers, frustrations, and other words that are substituted for resentments to ease the guilt, or do you really desire to be Happy, Joyous, and FREE?
Simply (I did not say easily, I said Simply) forgive the other person and walk out of the jail of your own mind. I went through all of the above and more myself when new into the program.
It even took me over ten years in AA to forgive my first wife who was continuing to try to make my life miserable and sometimes succeeding. Wasn’t easy when she would go into the only bar in the area that I was working at that time and ask regularly “Ok, who wants to f- the police chief’s wife,” among other cute retorts. I just finally decided that I had had enough and was now more than willing to go to any lengths to get what you folks were offering. Did I forgive her personally? No, I had gone through the apologizing, I’m sorrys, etc for too long just trying to shut her up and it did not help but actually increased the bitterness from her and the resentments, anger, and frustration from me.
This is probably when I finally really dove headfirst into the shortened version of the 3rd Step of “God Help Me.” This time, He did and life has only gotten better on a regular basis. Remember, we are not the only ones who may be sick in our relationships, the other may be also. I did not get angry, resentful, frustrated with my children when they were sick and I just added the butt of my resentment to this list of sick people with whom neither of us profits from my resentment or anger.
Today, I am truly, deeply Happy, Joyous, and Free and I believe that you can be too if you only forgive as you wish others to forgive you. Sound familiar? Hazelden also states “Most alcoholics know guilt, shame, remorse, and self-loathing intimately. To rid themselves of those feelings, they come to accept that they are imperfect beings worthy of forgiveness. Understanding that we are more than our transgressions helps us see beyond the transgressions of others.”