Step 4 says “Made a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves.” Now, searching and fearless are words that a fragile newcomer shies away from. Also, an old timer who believes that he knows all about AA but has not done a complete 4th Step an d 5th Step, himself. It is not all that difficult. Remember that we have talked about this being a simple program but not always easy. An old slogan from AA is KISS, Keep It Simple Stupid!
Have you had more than enough dread and despair? All of which can lead to physical discomfort and even sickness? Don’t enter into the inventory portion of the program with fear or anxiety, no matter what your past includes. What you have done is over and done with so STOP reliving it over again. YOU CAN’T CHANGE ANY OF IT! Remembering and reliving are two entirely different ideas. When an old action is recalled, it was done in the yesterdays of your life and reliving it means that it is now in the todays of your life.
I was talking with a good friend recently and we were discussing what it takes to make a happy, comfortable AA member. We agreed that time in the program was important but not an end all – be all. We have all seen members with decades of time in the program who are not really happy. They seem quick to criticize under the guise of “only trying to help.” Often reminding all who would listen that they have X number of years in the program and have studied it for years. If they are not truly comfortable with their lives, they will regularly bring up their drinking “past” and how “In those days I would have …” You know! Fill in the blanks.
When I am working my program and practicing these principles 24/7/365 in ALL of my affairs, I don’t have the time or room or desire in my head to be going into all I used to do and be. I only have the time and room in my mind to live in the now.
The 4th Step inventory is a great place to rid myself of my “stinking thinking” by reviewing my life and doing more generalization than mourning or fearing specific instances. “I was a thief,” covers a lot of ground. “I was an immoral, hateful person” covers a lot more. As soon as we start doing this, we get into a flow that brings up and then starts to release our dreads and fears. “We are only as sick as our secrets” pretty much covers it all. All of these things that we were carrying around in our head, both consciously and unconsciously, are a tremendous weight to carry. “If others knew this they would hate me.”
Now that you have thought of them, some coming out of hiding after maybe many years, write them down. You are now starting the process of shining light on your dark secrets. When I finally wrote mine down, I could hardly wait to do the next step so that I could get rid of them. I was reminded by people in the program who had only my best interests in their minds that I was no longer that person. Was a completely different person and therefore could feel much better about myself.
I also worked under the false assumption that I had to do everything perfectly or not at all. Working the program 24/7/365 to the best of my ability reminds mus that doing things perfectly was a myth. How many perfect things did I ever do, both before and after the program? This released a lot more pressure from me. I found that if I just tried to work the program to the best of my ability, I could actually be Happy, Joyous, and Free.
It is heartily suggested to work your program 24/7/365 to the best of your ability in ALL of your affairs. Then see what happens. Working your program 24/7/365 is not brain surgery either. Either is the inventory. Just continually do the next right thing. How do you know if it is right? If you are working your program 24/7/365 and if it FEELS right, it IS right! Simple as that!
Just try not to pick and choose what parts of your old life you want to take back, not even for a minute. Your inventory has been done. If bad things appear, simply go to the 10th Step and be done with it! Don’t be afraid of living. Be happy with the fact that you can now truly live and enjoy life. If you didn’t drink or drug today, you now have choices. Do you choose to be miserable or do you choose to be Happy, Joyous, and Free? The choice is yours and nobody else’s’. Choose wisely! God bless you!
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