It seems like when, in the madness, I always hurt the people who were the closest to me the most. Especially my family. It is best demonstrated by the old prayer “God, get me out of this situation and I will never do it again!” Or, by my saying “I will never do (fill in the blank) again because I love you.” We said this to significant others, children, brothers, sisters, parents, and a whole list of people. The results would always turn out to be the same. Either doing it again or something even worse.
Then we discovered AA. We soon started to like the way things were becoming. We also were amazed and hurt to discover that not everyone now believed us. “But, I have not had a drink in X days, weeks, months so why don’t they believe me or even seem to want to?” I believe that one answer is conditioning. We had conditioned our family and others over a period of years to not believe much or anything at all that we said or even did. Hadn’t they been through this before and probably many times?
I have seen some in the program who very quickly were accepted by their family and loved ones. But I was not that fortunate. I have a daughter that would not speak with me for over 40 years. She would disappear for years at a time and I was not even sure if she were dead or alive. She now lives in New Jersey and I in Michigan. Now, we have a very good relationship. Over 40 years is not overnight but it was done in due time.
The bottom line is one that comes from The Serenity Prayer about the wisdom to know the difference. The difference in what I can and can not change. If it is me I can change. If it is anyone or anything else, I can not change it. As soon as I not only knew in my head but felt in my heart that I could not change my daughter’s thinking, I truly let her go. This was not easy but it was simple. When she was finally ready, I accepted it too. Although there are miles between us, we are finally “together.” Time can be a tremendous healer. Healer of broken bones or relationships.
This is just another example of how the amazing program of AA works. If anyone asks me how AA works, my answer is “Just fine, thank you.” It can be for you too if you only let it. Don’t clutter your head up with trying to learn this. Just leave it in your heart and you very quickly will reap the rewards. That is a promise!
Now to answer the question posed in today’s topic. You can do nothing to make your close ones love you again. You can only change yourself. Then show them that you are not the same person you were then. And finally, give THEM the choice to CHOOSE what they are going to do. This will show your true love for you family that you could never do before. Sometimes, space is needed for love to grow. That is where “the wisdom to know the difference” comes in. They have the right to choose whatever they wish, just like you do. So we let it go and let God. Simple as that. Easy? Of course not. But that is giving them the right to choose how they feel without imposing your will on them as was done in the past. It also clears your own mind so that you can continue to grow. God bless you!
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