When I first came into this amazing Program of AA, I had zero hope and knew of no way out of my problems. Not only that, but I also did not even know what was wrong. I only knew that I didn’t like the me that I had become and this led quickly to hating everyone else. When I hated someone, I hurt them. When I hurt them, I felt guilty so I despised myself for doing it. This meant that I had to hurt someone again to feel better, which led to guilt piling up on guilt. What does a practicing alcoholic do when faced with guilt? This one drank, even more, leading me to be in the squirrel cage going round and round with no end in sight. I would sit with my .357 in my mouth and didn’t even have what it took to pull the trigger, thus feeling guilty for having failed again. At the meetings, I saw and heard people, some of whom I had known when they were drinking, romping, and stomping, who were now happy, peaceful people who were no longer perceived as the enemy but now as pretty nice people. They told me in no uncertain terms to sit down, shut up, and listen for a change. For some reason, I sat down, shut up, and listened. T then started to see that there may be a solution for me that I could live with. I was told to fake it till I made it and so started copying words and actions of the newfound friends who seemed to be living a pretty good life, even though I knew of their horrendous past. Coming into AA, I didn’t know that alcohol was my problem but very quickly discovered that, while not having a problem every time that I drank, when I did have a problem, drinking was involved – planning a drunk, getting drunk, or coming down from a high. I saw that, once I drank that first drink, I could no longer guarantee my actions. I knew that my life was completely unmanageable. I didn’t have any religious background and my God was a punishing, judging God always pointing a finger at me. I was regularly told by others “God is going to get you for that!” I soon saw the actions of the others in the Program and knew that there was Something helping them that I could not see. Whatever It was, was working for them. I wanted a way out of this craziness so I decided to try faking using this Power and immediately began feeling and acting better. Because I was feeling better and, being an addict wanting much more. I said “Please help me” and, for once, did not put conditions on the request. It didn’t take long for me to start liking more of what I was doing and feeling guilty much less for my actions. Since I was feeling much better about myself, I started to look at others with different eyes. Whereas before, I had been surrounded by a-holes and noticed that most of them now seemed to become pretty nice people. It soon dawned on me that they had not changed, I was changing. I soon came to deeply believe that I was getting these and many more good feelings and emotions because this unseen Power that I had met in Step 2 was ready, able, and willing to help me so I finally surrendered to It. I had only to ask and I received! For this, I am truly grateful and thanked this Power. I started out by using the Group for my Higher Power and now choosing to call It God. This God has given me only EVERYTHING that I have today, including my breathing in followed by out. For this, I am totally grateful and thank Him each and every day for the blessings He has given me. My family feared and hated me and today they love me and show it regularly. I now have grandchildren and great grandchildren who also love me. Now, how do I ever repay this debt of my life? I try to give it away to anyone who wants it or asks for it. My greatest wish is that you can have it as good as I and am willing to do anything to help you get, not only as much as I have, but much, much more. If I have it and you need it, take it. This is a very simple program for very complicated folks so just remember, if you want it – you got it. Just take it and I will help you to the best of my ability to take it and live it too. My repayment will be in seeing you take it and run with it into Happiness, Joy, and Freedom. How are you feeling about what you’ve written so far in your Book of Life on Earth for this new year? Even though there are only a few pages, so far, are they filled with Happiness, Joy, and Freedom or just thoughts of relief that 2020 is over.
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Repaying by giving it away is the ultimate way to repay everyone and God for what my alcoholic nightmare did to them. “Paying it forward” to another sick and suffering alcoholic is my responsibility. I willing accept my role in this journey. I had one person ask me to be their sponsor, but that gradually dwindle away. That being said, I continue to be willing. God will know when I’m ready. I have, though, been in contact with many new alcoholics loving, encouraging, listening, accepting them just the way they are.
My actions in and out of AA is also a very important way to repay the ciaos, hurt, worry and things that I don’t even know others close to me went through because of my alcoholism.
Responsibility Pledge “When any one any where reaches out for help, I want the hand of AA always to be there and for that i I am responsible.”
PASSAGES FROM THE BIG BOOK AND THE 12&12……………….
BB Foreword to Fourth Edition, pg. XXIV
In any meeting, anywhere, A.A.’s share experience, strength, and hope with each other, in order to stay sober and help other alcoholics.
12&12 Tradition Eight, p.166
Almost from the beginning, we have been positive that face-to-face work with the alcoholic who suffers could be based only on the desire to help and be helped.
12&12 Step Twelve, p.109
Even the newest of newcomers finds undreamed rewards as he tries to help his brother alcoholic, the one who is even blinder than he.
12&12 Tradition Five, p.152
“Still dubious, he demanded, ‘Do you really mean the only reason you are here is to try and help me and to help yourself?’
………………there are many more passages and examples in the BB and 12&12 that talk about helping others in turn helping ourselves. I love searching for any topic in our literature! The website 164andmore is a great help. I’ll find the topic by a single word and then read before and after it for context. Another great way to read the Big Book!
Thank you Jim for the topic and starting this blog.
Peggy, you act in a sponsor mode at the Zoom meeting every time that you share right down to expressing your thoughts and your questions about your own sobriety. When you question something, you can rest assured that someone else has the same concerns as you do but didn’t wish to ask themselves. I love it when you question anything about the program. This is how we all can keep learning. Thank you for sharing some of your research in this post. This is the way that the message of AA has been passed on since its beginnings, from one to another, and this is why I believe that the program continues to grow and improve our lives. It won’t be long at all until you, too, are Too Blessed To Be Stressed.